Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
How drunk are you?
Completed.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
