I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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