Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
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