3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Let's paint friendship bongs
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
