Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
