The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im holly from the hills drunk
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
