I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
