Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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