I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
