i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
