Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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