I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
