you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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