Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
someone owes me an orgasm
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
