Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
