Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
It was confusing and full of hummus
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
