It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
