Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
