you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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