the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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