Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
