Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
