just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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