im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
