Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
