You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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