you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
