the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
