She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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