at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
