He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
People in love make me want to vomit
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
is that a dick in a sweater?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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