i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
