i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
