there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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