You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
