i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
