She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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