Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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