I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
