we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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