its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
