i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
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