I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I need to calm my uterus...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
