Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
So apparently I’m into choking now
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
