i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
