i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
