A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
