You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
