Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
