I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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