We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
