Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
