What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Randomize
