this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
